I’ve always thought, if the world would be better off without someone in it, that person would be me.
And that’s what has always driven me. Most people would probably think am suicidal, or addicted to sadness, which, let’s face it, I probably am to some extent, but that is the essence of my life.
Have you ever looked inside a jar, once that not long ago was filled with cookies, biscuits, candy, or even plain old buttons, and now they’re gone and what’s left is a plain jar of void nothingness and vacuum? That’s how I’ve always like my life felt like while looking at it from the outside. Sure, it’s a pretty, crystal and attractive piece of glass to look at, but it’s also a fragile, empty mess.
It made me think that instead of walking around with a name stuck to my head, maybe I should have owned one of those cautionary tags you find in an electronics shop, one that says ‘approach with caution, may self-destruct at any given moment’.
Not that anyone made me feel less of so. I don’t know, maybe the matter was me, maybe I was hard to like, hard to talk to. But I can’t for sure say that I didn’t try, try to be normal on several occasions, and end up lying flat on the ground, where it all began. I tried talking to a couple of kids, peers, and see if I could at least make one lasting friendship, but no, I don’t think I had it in me. The skills, the fake laughter, the forced adoration, it was all a little too much.
So at the end of the day, I decided I was better off a loner. I didn’t long for any relationship whatsoever, or for anyone to notice me, and I guess that was the reason even my own kin started to drift away from me. To the outside world, it didn’t matter, it didn’t shake me one little bit, but on the inside, I was lost and crying out loud, please notice me. I guess that in as much as I began loathing other people, there was still a part of me that longed for that little, appeasing, touching mundane companionship.
When it began feeling as if all was a little much to handle, I decided that to hell, I didn’t need people, all I ever still needed was myself. I would create my own paradise.
I fell heavily on junk food and everything that presumably not healthy, and didn’t care that besides being an outsider, I was also becoming an ‘ugly and fat’ one. I watched every single show that I could find on TV that was able to keep my mind off things, and would only sleep for at most two hours a day. I didn’t want to sleep anyway, I was afraid of my own dreams.
But the noise only got louder, and I only got more obsessed with shutting it down. I become addicted to some certain white pills, and would take up to even five a day. I only needed something to keep me from losing total control, never mind I had already lost it long ago. I didn’t even know what had made me this way, and why I was holding on to life anyway. There came days when I completely lost it, broke things, overdosed, and even did a couple of things that seemed like would put my life to its miserable end, but every time I woke up, I was there, I was breathing, and I was angrier than before.
What hurt the most was that even the people closest to me never seemed to see, hear, or understand my inner struggle. But then came grace, a turn-about, the moment I talked myself to sanity, not because I was really okay, but because I wanted payback to the world. I wanted to show the flourishing world that I can shine too, I can make it, I can be a success too.
I was still angry
I began spending my sleepless nights studying hard, determined to be a successful failure, a role-playing outsider, everyone’s hero.
I even somehow changed my perspective and started to expect a little more of myself, and avoided the negative, useless picture that always formed in my mind whenever I thought of myself.
I unceremoniously build up some bravery in me, and began to see a sliver of sunshine peeping through my window.
I stopped taking the pills, and though I was still lonely, focused my energy on my studies, my art, and my novels.
Things had taken a turn, and now I held the match, the world was gasoline.
